Every parent goes through periods when they are not feeling their best. You may be stressed, easily irritated, insecure, sad, overwhelmed or simply exhausted.
But how does your mental and emotional well-being affect your child?
The honest answer is: Yes, it can have an impact. Take your responsibility as a parent!
This does not mean that going through a difficult period makes you a bad parent or automatically harms your child. However, children grow up within an emotional environment that we, as parents, help create. They notice our moods, observe how we deal with emotions and may adapt their own behaviour in response.
Awareness is therefore not about blame. It is about responsibility and recognising that patterns can be changed. Showing no emotions, doesn’t learn your child anything!
How do children learn to manage emotions?
A useful psychological framework is the Tripartite Model of Family Influence on Children’s Emotion Regulation developed by Morris and colleagues (2007).
According to this model, the family influences the development of children’s emotional regulation in three important ways:
1. Observation and modelling
Children observe how their parents deal with anger, stress, sadness and conflict.
2. How parents respond to emotions
Is a child comforted and helped to understand their feelings? Or are emotions dismissed, punished or ignored?
3. The emotional climate at home
The general atmosphere, relationships, communication and emotional security within the family create the environment in which children learn to manage their emotions.
Importantly, this is not a simple formula in which a parent’s behaviour automatically produces a particular outcome. Children differ in temperament and development, and parents and children continuously influence one another.
When a child starts adapting
When a parent is regularly overwhelmed, withdrawn, unpredictable or easily irritated, children may respond in different ways. One child may become louder or more demanding. Another may withdraw. And another may become exceptionally helpful, agreeable and focused on keeping everyone happy. This can sometimes develop into behaviour commonly described as people-pleasing. A child may become very good at reading moods, apologise quickly, avoid conflict and focus on keeping other people happy.
Is Mum in a good mood?
Is now a good time to ask?
Did I do something wrong?
There is an important difference between a child who enjoys being caring and a child who believes they are responsible for how other people feel. When a child consistently pays more attention to other people’s emotions than to their own feelings and needs, it deserves attention. This does not mean that such behaviour is automatically caused by parenting. Temperament, relationships, experiences and the wider environment also play important roles.
A parent does not need to be calm all the time. In fact, children can see that adults sometimes feel angry, sad, worried or stressed. This can help them understand that difficult emotions are a normal part of life. What matters is what you do with those emotions.
There is a difference between saying:“You’re driving me crazy!” and “I notice that I’m feeling irritated. That’s my feeling and it isn’t your responsibility. I’m going to take a moment to calm myself down.”
In the second example, the child sees that emotions are allowed, can be named and can be regulated.
Most importantly, the child learns:
I don’t have to fix my parent’s emotions.
When a child starts taking care of the parent
Sometimes this adaptation goes further. A child may constantly comfort a parent, avoid talking about their own problems because Mum already has enough to deal with, try to resolve conflicts or feel responsible for the atmosphere at home. When children consistently take on responsibilities that would normally belong to adults, this may fit within the psychological concept of parentification.
Bringing a sad parent a cup of tea is, of course, not parentification.
It is about the underlying pattern: “It is my job to take care of Mum.”
Children can be caring and involved, but they also need to trust that the adult remains the adult.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent, but take responsebility!
Every parent sometimes reacts in a way they later regret. Responsibility is not about perfection. It is about awareness, repair and change.
After a difficult moment, you might say: “I reacted too strongly earlier. I was tired and irritated, but that wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry.”
This communicates something important: My behaviour is my responsibility. Not yours.
Repair also teaches children that relationships can survive difficult moments, that people can take responsibility for their behaviour and that connection can be restored after conflict.
Checklist: Is my child adapting to my emotions?
This checklist is not a test or diagnostic tool. Instead of focusing on isolated moments, look for patterns that occur repeatedly.
Do you recognise any of these behaviours in your child?
- My child closely monitors my mood.
- My child quickly asks, “Did I do something wrong?”
- My child frequently apologises when there is little or nothing to apologise for.
- My child regularly tries to cheer me up or reassure me.
- My child changes what they ask or tell me depending on my mood.
- My child sometimes keeps worries to themselves because they don’t want to burden me.
- My child tries to prevent or resolve conflicts at home.
- My child finds it difficult to be angry, disappointed or disagree with me.
- My child is strongly focused on keeping everyone happy.
- My child takes on an unusual amount of responsibility for their age.
And do you recognise any of these patterns in yourself?
- My mood regularly determines the atmosphere at home.
- When I am tired, stressed or overwhelmed, I sometimes react more strongly than I would like.
- My child sometimes needs to judge whether it is a “good time” to ask me something.
- I discuss worries with my child that would be more appropriate to discuss with another adult.
- I sometimes seek emotional reassurance from my child.
- I have sometimes made my child feel that because I do so much for them, I expect something in return.
- After reacting too strongly, I find it difficult to return to the situation and talk about what happened.
- I sometimes wonder whether certain behaviours in my child could be a response to my own behaviour or emotions.
The number of boxes you tick is not what matters. Look at frequency, intensity and recurring patterns. And ask yourself one particularly important question:
Does my child feel safe enough with me to sometimes be difficult?
Can your child be angry? Say no? Be disappointed? Disagree with you without feeling responsible for your emotional reaction? That can sometimes tell us more than how “well-behaved” a child appears to be.
What can you do as a parent?
Make it clear what belongs to you.
“I’m irritated, but that isn’t your fault and you don’t have to fix it.”
Repair when something goes wrong.
Return to the situation, apologise when appropriate and take responsibility for your behaviour.
Make room for your child’s emotions.
Your child does not always need to be happy, helpful or easy-going. Anger, disappointment and disagreement are allowed too.
Pay attention to people-pleasing.
You might say: “You don’t have to say yes because you think that’s what I want.”
Keep adult responsibilities with adults.
Being honest about your feelings is different from making your child responsible for your emotional well-being.
Explore your own patterns.
When do you react most strongly? What triggers you? How do you respond when you become overwhelmed? Are there patterns from your own childhood that you may be repeating without realising it?
Most importantly, don’t only tell your child that things are changing. Let them experience the change through your behaviour.
When might it help to talk to a professional?
You do not have to wait until something becomes serious before asking for support. If you notice that your emotions regularly determine the atmosphere at home, you repeatedly fall into the same patterns, your child seems highly focused on your mood or you simply do not know how to change what is happening, talking to someone can help. Depending on your situation, you could speak with a GP, psychologist, parenting professional or another appropriate professional.
It can also be helpful to seek advice if you notice changes in your child’s behaviour or emotional well-being that concern you.
Seeking support can itself be part of taking responsibility as a parent!
A different question to ask yourself
A child does not need a parent who is never angry, sad, stressed or overwhelmed. They need adults who are willing to reflect on themselves, take responsibility and change patterns when necessary. Our children do not need to be protected from every difficult emotion we experience. What matters is that they know they do not have to carry those emotions for us.
Psychological framework and sources
This article draws in part on the Tripartite Model of Family Influence on Children’s Emotion Regulation and Adjustment by Morris, Silk, Steinberg, Myers and Robinson (2007) & Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007).
The article also draws on the concept of parental emotion socialisation, including the work of Eisenberg, Cumberland and Spinrad (1998.
This article is intended for general educational and informational purposes and is not a diagnostic tool or a substitute for individual professional advice.
Jennifer Seesing 
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